'Tis a routine, my friend.

I wait.
I want to talk to you.
I see you.
My mind blanks and heart pounds.
Nothing comes up.
I'm nervous. I wonder. I think,
What should I do? What should I say?
While I wonder, time flies by quickly.
We say goodbye
and repeat...

I've moved my bedtimeup to 11 oclock...

So.. I've been meaning to try out for track. I've been running, but not as much as I would like to, or not as much as those people in XC or Track already. I've decided a few things. I'm trying it with the fact that I'll probably have nobody to hang out with without feeling awkward with, but oh well. It's my decision to expand my world and my people, but it doens't mean everyone's going to accept me. It's fine, honestly. Sometimes I like being a loner. Running on my own gives me the satisfaction of doing something I want to do and making that decision for myself, instead of hoping somebody will go and run with me. I leave my house, run around, and come back on my own, for myself. It's nice to have someone to run with, but I have yet to find anyone that could keep up to me or I can keep up with. We'll see what happens...

But I'm still nervous being around the coach. Seeing him makes me scared and want to walk back across the big patch of green grass, but i know I can't keep doing this. for now, all I can hope is that tomorrow isn't long distance's tryouts....

A sudden urge...

For some reason, I feel like I want to cry. Maybe its the things left unsaid between me and some people, maybe it's the stress of school coming back, maybe it's my hopeless computer seeming like it'll never come back to life, or maybe its this other laptop constantly giving me problems. The problem is, this "stress". i don't know if I can even call it stress, maybe its my own emotional stress. Maybe I'm a complainer by nature. I seem to complain a lot, even when there are people out there worse than me. This "stress" I'm experiencing probably doesn't exist in other people's minds. Maybe it doesn't exist in my mind too, maybe I'm making it up as an excuse... All I can do is hope it passes and wait for the sun to come out.

All day, I've been having a bad feeling. Last night I had a dream, one which I can't remember. All I remember is that it may have something to do with him, or simply going back to school, but I woke up feeling horrible (aside from the fact that it was 6:30 and freezing). I felt like something bad was going to happen. I guess it wasn't really something bad, just nothing good. I've been feeling too good recently, so it's time to fall back to the average life.


And on to chem homework... about 4 more hours until I can sleep without a mom coming in yelling at me. Fun.

bye...

This last day of break is slowly wrapping up, meaning no more free blogging. My blogging has been crazy recently with all that's been going on, all my free time, and all these thoughts. After tomorrow, i'll probably be going back to one post a day, or every three days. Expect two today because again, there's a lot on my mind...

He left, and it's so long until I see him again. I'm a little sad because of how things were the last few days, and how I didn't get to see him. I have this thing where if I know I won't see the other person for a long time, I hug them to death. I hugged "balloon" to death when I left for taiwan, and we weren't THAT great friends. But recently it's been just normal byes, and he's gone... I hate that I think something bad's going to happen, and that I'm feeling down =\ I guess I'm a little worried... it sounds like unsettled matters but it's just me.

***


How do you know when to tell someone something you're feeling? When you tell someone something you felt a few days ago, they always seem to ask "why didn't you tell me sooner?" But would you really express every feeling? I think about it for a bit, if it bothers me enough then I'll let him know, kind of thing. And lots of things are your own personal problems, one that wouldn't help to drag the other person into. I think. Rawr.

Computer still won't boot. Through soo many steps, I typed in cd\ and it dared give me a "no such command". WTF... my dad lent me his old laptop. Yep, sucks. Mine's probably older but it looks nicer, has a better screen, and isnt as worn down. sigh my friend for 6 years ):

Why Don't You Kiss Her?

Jesse McCartney

We're the best of friends
And we share our secrets
She knows everything that is on my mind
Lately somethings changed
As I lie awake in my bed
A voice here inside my head
Softly says

Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside

Oh im so afraid to make that first move
Just a touch and we
Could cross the line
Everytime she's near
I wanna never let her go
Confess to her what my heart knows
Hold her close

Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside

What would you say
I wonder would she just turn away
Or would she promise me
That she's here to stay
It hurts me to wait
I keep asking myself

Why don't you kiss her (tell her you love her)
Why don't u tell her (tell her you need her)
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside...

Why don't you kiss her?

Boys talk about girls more.

I started my new years with an emo morning, an annoying afternoon, a fun evening, and a calm night. In the afternoon or so, we spent time at Tenju bonding, since she's finally home and we miss eachother and wanted to go out. We talked, caught up, talked about our boys (HAH) and just chilled, then rode our bikes home.

I signed on aim and was forced to test it out. I think it worked out okay...

And then we went over to his house for a bonfire. It started out a little strange, trying to get the fire burning, breaking those silences, all that stuff. After a bit Ashley and I got a little hyper, so questions were thrown around, jokes were made, and a little bonding. It was nice. His cousins or brothers or cousin's friends or whatever came over and the guys started talking. It was dumb, how they talked a lot about school more than girls. We both left saying "I wish they talked more about girls". I like listening to them talk, unlike girls they don't care that we're around and they'll offend us or anything. Girls are so complicated. I'm liking being the only girl hanging out in a group of guys more and more. Before it was just awkward. Now it's a chance to see them in their real environment . . . (:!

...

Confrontations eh? They must be done, obviously, as I said so in one of my NC entries. I personally think it's not a fun thing to do for the confronter and the confrontee. Confronter has to do the ugly job of getting mad at someone, telling them what they're doing wrong, and telling them why it's bugging. I guess some people would enjoy doing that though. Confrontee has to listen to all their faults and is expected to make changes, and there's all this pressure and stress put on them.

They expect changes, but within what amount of time? After they confront you, I find it hard to go back to being the way it was, the wrong way, and slowly progressing to something good because i already know it's bothering them. I feel pressured to change right away so it's not weird.
Sigh -_-